So I just heard that my being a huge Pokémon fan is a major turn off. Whoa, I am just flustered! Well first, I am a Pokémon Master through and through and I’m proud of it. Second, it’s not my fault you were not born and raised in any of the Kanto, Johto, Hoenn, Sinnoh, Unova and Kalos regions! But of course I’m just kidding. I’m not mad at all, but that criticism has provoked me to write an article as a rebuke, no less.
Here are my 10 Reasons Why You Should Date a Pokémon Master.
1. WE HAVE BALLS. Yes all 26 of it. Hyper ball, Ultra ball, Master ball, name it, we own it. As if that impressive collection is not enough to woo you! Kidding aside, it does take a huge amount of guts to be a Pokémon master. Imagine, starting as Pokémon trainer, you are faced with a world of the unknown with nothing more than an empty backpack, a Pokédex and a level 5 starter Pokémon (which basically means it’s almost a puppy) as your partner. At a very young age, every trainer must leave the nest and take on a quest to be a Pokémon champion. That’s responsibility, independence and courage right there, and we’re only getting started.
2. WE CAN TAME A BEAST. Oh boy, can we. Your constant nagging, pre-menstrual syndrome outbursts and daily assault of mood swings are nothing compared to the scorching attacks of Groudon or the nut-freezing combos of Kyurem. Yes, it can be tough at first, and it may take a few resets to get it right but when it comes to taming your inner b*tch, err… I mean, beast, a Pokémon master sure knows how it’s done.
3. WE TRAVEL…LIKE, A LOT! Perhaps the life of a Pokémon master is best described as nomadic. We try to stand by our mantra that we will travel across the land, searching far and wide. Ha-ha. We traverse through mountains, rivers, caves, dungeons, deserts and even through some other weird dimension (Pokémon Platinum, remember?) with a potful of wonderful experiences at every stop. If you wanna go places, then babe, I just can’t afford a Ferrari …but that don’t mean I can’t take you there. Instead, we’ll hop aboard the back of my Pidgeot and I swear in the name of Arceus, the view is a million gold nuggets better.
4. WE ARE LOYAL. Once a Pokémon is handed to you by, say, Professor Oak, you take on a lifetime bond of friendship that is shared between you and your Pokémon that can never be broken. Not by any Team Rocket grunt, for that matter. Not unless you reset the game of course. Or worse, your unknowing lack wit of a friend accidentally resets it for you. Ouch.
5. WE FIGHT FOR GOOD. As long as we are around, Jessie, James and Meowth and the rest of their band of crooks can kiss their evil plans of world domination goodbye. #You’llbesafehere
6. WE ARE CARING. Yes, we’ll call Nurse Joy when you’re sick. Feed you aplenty of Pecha berries when you’re poisoned. We’ll even make sure you take your Protein and Calcium every single day of the week to keep you prime for…ehem, “battle”. Safety is never a problem as we have a hundred repel potions at our disposal to fend off those enemies that might hurt our lovey-dovey honey-bunch cupcake.
7. WE CARE FOR THE ENVIRONMENT, TOO! Yes, we’re not just the hormone-driven and battle-hungry barbarians you think we are. We care for Mother Nature as much as we do for those shimmering gym badges. If there’s a patch of land available, we plant it with a seed full of hope that someday it might bloom into a beautiful berry tree and make the world a better place. Berries are pretty nifty in battle, too.
8. WE HAVE ALL THE RIGHT MOVES. The Pokémon TM Library boasts a plethora of moves, offensive and defensive, that vary in attack power, accuracy and effectiveness. And what is a Pokémon Master without the proper skill set of moves to match, right? If you’re curious, my specialties are Lick, Harden and Pound. Cough, cough. And trust me, more often than not, it is super effective!
9. WE ARE GOOD AT MAKING CRITICAL DECISIONS. There are about 718 Pokémon as of writing. That’s six generations of pocket monsters of different anatomy, skill, size and shape. However, in the game, you are only allowed to carry a maximum of six as you travel and fight for those badges. Just how do you do that? Well, a Pokémon master is faced with that ordeal every single day. At some point in your life, you’ll want to have a partner who knows how to decide between a Dragonite and a Tyranitar. But if your man is more of a Butterfree, Glameow, Gardevoir, Clefairy and Chancey kind of guy then the big decision is really yours to make.
10. LIFE IS TOUGH AND WE KNOW IT. Warning, this is about to be puke-worthy corny so brace yourself.
As a young kid, you are forced to leave behind the comforts of your own home to embark on a journey to be the best. In fact, the very best, like no one ever was. Sure, the journey takes you to wonderful places but there are more than enough drawbacks to hamper your hopes and self-belief along the way.
In time, you develop a strong bond with your Pokémon and that relationship, in some cases, is the only thing that can save the world from total destruction from the hands of complete whackos like Ghetsis and Giovanni. At some point, the Pokémon in your party are not merely clusters of moving pixels in your screen, anymore. They become the trustworthy companions you need, to realize your dream of being a champion. We might be ashamed to admit it but we do feel some affection for these digital creatures living in our computers (if you’re using an emulator) and Nintendo’s. If we didn’t, we wouldn’t be giving them those silly nicknames, over accessorizing them to our heart’s content and giving them new haircuts ever so often. In the end, we become men of good character. We become men who know how to care and love. To protect and defend those who are not strong enough to defend themselves.
Date that guy. That pokemaniac whose mouth begins to froth whenever Nintendo releases a new version. Date him because these days, there aren’t a lot like him left.
And just in case you missed No. 8, my special moves are LICK, HARDEN and POUND. Just making sure you get the message. Ha-ha.